After food we went back, and from my recollection we laid down and just relaxed. I think we started to watch movies and kept getting distracted. I DO remember, though, that it resulted in not finishing our movie night because we got into our first huge argument in weeks. It lasted hours. My anxiety was immense. I would love to explain this fight, but it is far too detailed and private. Well, not so much private, but extremely ridiculous. Long story short, i got jealous over some stupid bitch that is in his Personal Defense class because she has huge boobs, and decided to bring them up to Corey while they were doing their "moves." Apparently since they kept getting in the way. That convo furthered into discussion of his and i's sexual interests and whatnot regarding that. Not only that, but the week before they had to choke each other, and that turned in a personal sexual convo as well. HIGHLY inappropriate, so i was NOT a happy camper. I freaked internally, and only mildly externally. He took it well at first, but then we started talking about exes and feelings and all of these other things. It became so much that i lost it and expressed them to him, which only angered him. So we got into a pretty big argument..which led to silence. I couldn't take it, so i went into the bathroom and did something stupid, which he found out about shortly after. That only enraged him more so he started cursing and angrily moving things, not at me, but it still terrifies me due to abuse issues with my ex. So i freaked out even more. And we were just silent the rest of the night. Attempted homework and that didn't work so well, so eventually we just gave up and i wanted to sleep. Obviously i couldn't sleep. Emotionally i was wrecked, and physically as well due to the gym the night before. So i laid there, contemplating thought and anxiety. Of course he started rubbing my back to try to "calm down" and make things better, which only half works. But i ended up falling asleep around 5 i think. Tierney came back from going out around 2 or 3, and she was pretty gone, so we had to try to keep up appearances with her around. That also led me to wanting sleep. So sleep finally came..which led to waking up on Saturday..
Saturday was that start of new day, right? Except not really. We woke up around 2 or 3 and i thought maybe he would say something to me. Nothing. He got up and showered. That led me to believe the day would suck and he wasn't going to apologize. So when an offer to cover a 4 hour shift at work came up, i took it immediately. I covered a 430 to 8 shift to get away and make money. I told him, and he got pissed (what a shock). So he walked me to work though, like nothing was wrong. Kissed me goodbye. Blah blah. Texted me explaining why he got upset. Apparently he wanted to get up, shower, get food and talk things out. Although he said he was "completely over it..slept it off." Of course. He's a guy. They can do that. I can't. Which is what i told him. So he said we would have to postpone it until i got off work. Obviously. Anyway, work happened. And it SUCKED. I had to do reference work, stuff i was never trained in. I learned the library inside and out though. I had to walk around the entire library for an hour, checking every room, cleaning it, making sure everything was okay. It sucked, but at least it kept me occupied. Then i went back to the desk, did some reading, then watched Glee. I walked back to the dorm in the flurrying icky weather, and ended up running most of the way back because i just wanted to get inside. Now, the rest of the night i don't really recall details. I just know we talked it out, although as a guy he was completely neurotic and kept doing things to try to distract me. What else is new. But we did talk it out and established we need to work on it, and he convinced me it's normal to argue over stuff like that. If we didn't we wouldn't be normal. We ended up talking about our parents too, since his mom never seems to approve of me. Especially when we fight. In which case, she doesn't know i have BPD which isn't fair because she can't truly judge me then. Anyways, whatever. Things were resolved. I just hope he's right. I know i have issues. So i hope those issues are just clouding my judgment. But we finished the movies from our movie night and went to bed, i'm pretty sure.
Sunday was a very bland day. I was planning on going to do Zumba for Wellness, but it was in the Dance studio, so i said ef that in this cold. We went and got food i think and then did some homework for a few hours. We woke up super late again. I think around 3, so that didn't leave much day. But we did homework until The Walking Dead came on. Of courseee that's a dorm event. Me, Corey, Lisa, and Angelina decided to do our 2nd weekly Walking Dead Drinking Game. Basically whenever Carl speaks or his name is said, or Shane gets angry, or a walker is killed, you take a drink. Pretty amazing game. And it was a pretty good episode. After that happened, we chilled back in the room, and did more homework. Productive say right? I know. That's basically what the night consisted of, as per usual. We listened to music, did homework, and watched tv until about 2 or 3. Around 3 we attempted sleep, but something happened to my legs. Earlier yesterday i felt what i thought were shin splints. I mean, i hadn't worked out in months, so it made sense. But instead, when i laid down for bed, my legs started to feel like they were on fire. Like, the bones or muscles on the far inside really hurts. From my shins to my hips. So that caused me not to be able to sleep, only whimper a bit. I am currently laying down writing this and they still kill me. So this sucks. But what ended up happening, which turned out to be a great thing, although it was a very bad idea, was we stayed up until almost 6am. Talking. Just talking. Like a nice talk. We cuddled like hardcore, and kept being really cute. Instead of sleeping. So we ended up talking. He started. But we talked about everything, from our exes again (but better talk), to our own feelings, to our future. All of it being positive and happy. And the majority of it coming from him. It scares the shit out of me, but it also excites me. Even if it doesn't work out, it was good while it lasted. And if it somehow does, i have an amazing future to look forward to. Yeah, me. The girl who is so feminist and #foreveralone it isn't even funny. Yet i'm thinking about marriage and a family now. Say what? But it was a good talk. All i know is whether we stay together or not, i KNOW i can't lose him out of my life. I'd be lost without him. Yeah we bicker. But he is the most amazing person i have ever met. My best friend. And i truly believe soulmate. So let's see where this goes, shall we. We ended up falling asleep eventually though, and 4 hours later it was time to get up for Monday class.
Monday was full of class time, as always. I got up early, found out i got a 76 on my first Psych test (awesome -__-), then ate, and relaxed in my room. I assume i did work for a couple hours until Corey got back from class. We then attempted to nap, and failed as usual. We then went to our next class, where i found out i did better than the class average for my test in Science. Only good news. Although i still only got an 87. I then got food, went to my next 3 hour class, and walked back to my dorm at 930. It was super nice out that night. Like, extraordinarily nice out. And i wanted to try to be healthy, so although my legs were still in killer pain (still are), i decided to go for a run/jog/walk thing. I changed, and then Corey and i went for a half hour. I couldn't really run because i suck, and he could, because he doesn't. What else is new. But we got around half the loop and then cut through the apartments back to the dorm. We then chilled and did homework for a few hours. Tierney came back so we all did our work together. Around 2 we decided to illegally go shower...together. Oh risque..i know. But that was fun. Then we came back, relaxed, and went to bed.
Tuesday, yesterday, was quite long and semi productive. Corey had early class, but as usual i slept through it. However, i unfortunately had to wake up by 12 because i had to meet some girls who i thought i might have been rooming with in an apartment next semester. I found them in LiveJournal, and overall i got lucky. But my friend Ali happened to text me around the exact same time saying a spot in her roster opened up and i can move there. So although i didn't tell the two girls i met, i agreed to be with her. Plus, as semi nice and normal as they were, they wanted Alumni. Which i do not. Nice or not, too far. So after that meeting and food i came back to my room and got some homework done. I was super sore, still, but knew i had to go to White Plains to run errands. At 4ish Corey and i took the shuttle (which annoyingly had to stop and change drivers..?) to the second stop. We were almost going to go to the movies, but with how broke i was, it was a bad idea. So i went to Target, got my toiletries, got my step mom part of her birthday gift, and then randomly bought I Am Number Four because it was on sale for $10. Whatevs. Cheaper than the movies. We then walked to the mall and i got the rest of her gift, as well as a new pair of sneakers so i can run in something other than Vans (i got pink toe shoes (: ), and then got food. It was the second to last day of Februany. Soooo i got two foot longs from Subway since i had a gift card. I ate half of one, and then we caught the bus back.
When we got back we got settled in, and then went to Farside lounge for "cozy night." No one was really there...nerd status..but it didn't matter because UP was playing and there was free food. Double awesome. After that we came back and attempted a nap, which failed, again. So i got up and got ready for work. After making my hot chocolate and grabbing my stuff, Corey and i headed off to the library. While there i got to finish my book, Perfect by Ellen Hopkins (amazing by the way), and basically just did other homework and whatnot. Meanwhile, my coworker Ali wanted to amuse herself, so she made sculptures out of random library objects. It was quite comical. After work my night thoroughly sucked. Beyond explanation. I got on the phone with my mom about paying my housing deposit which i have to do, like, now due to wanting an apartment. Well, what i thought would be a 3 minute convo turned to a one hour and 7 minute convo. Until after 3am. We fought for a long time, about the most pointless things. And as usual, we continued in circles and circles. Long story short, she acts like a child the majority of the time and always causes me to feel angry. No matter what, it's always anger. And that's worse than my anxiety, because there's nothing i can do about it. Crying won't help, self harm won't help. When it finally goes away i get so beyond depressed i feel non existent..which is even worse. So after the convo i just stayed in the common room and played angry birds to try to calm down. Corey came out a half hour later to try to get me to go inside...fail. I was NOT moving. The mood i was in is undescribable. As much as i would like to attempt to explain in, that's more of my very personal side, so i won't get into it. But i just know i need help. Eventually, after freaking out and whatnot, i went into the bed...at 4:30am. After an hour of trying to sleep i finally managed to. Corey tried to help as best as he could...but there's only so much you can do when i'm like that.
I woke up hoping i was going to be out of the mood i was in that night. Super hoping because it even scared me. Luckily, aside from being super tired, when i woke up at 1:30 i was a bit better. Although, i looked out the window and it was awful out. I hate rain and wind and cold, and it was a mix of them all. I went to class, and after an hour of pointless nonsense and a 5 minute break, i left because i was just not in the mood. I came back to my room and tried to take my own notes, but really just wasn't in the mood. I did work for about an hour, and got nowhere except angry. So when Corey came back i tried some more, and just gave up. I was about to lay down when i realized i had to get ready for class at 630. Frustrated, i did that, and went to class. Luckily we got out early (thank you Prof. Gatti), and i met up with Corey and went to the library. I got the book i needed, printed out what i needed, and hurried back to my room in the freezing cold. Corey and i decided to get into a throwing match and threw things at each other for about 20 minutes, where eventually i started up on homework again. I stopped homework to watch Psych with Tierney..it's our show..i had to. I then started homework again, and here i am. Watching Swimfan with Corey and Tierney. About to watch I Am Number Four. Yes, i love movies. Time to finish up other homework and watch another movie! Night all.
". Friday...Friday's are usually boring. Unless i go out. In that case, if i remember it, it's usually a fun tale to tell." STORY OF MY LIFE.
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