Blasty Blast Weekend (except not)

Let's recap, shall we? I left off on Thursday night at work, so let's begin there. I left work, came back, did some homework with Corey, and then went to bed. Friday...Friday's are usually boring. Unless i go out. In that case, if i remember it, it's usually a fun tale to tell. However, i did not go out. To be brutally honest i was PMSing hardcore, so i didn't want to do much of anything but lay in bed and watch movies. I, unfortunately, had to get up early to go to a Study Abroad meeting at 11:30. To top it off, it was rainy and cold out. Sweats and a sweatshirt it was. I bummed it out, went to the meeting, got barely anything accomplished, came back, and did homework. I tried to wake Corey up but he decided to slap me, so i gave up that plan. I sat, did homework for a few hours, and then i think i attempted sleep. It failed, so at 5 we did laundry and then went to DHall with Kerry. Little did i know it was ICE CREAM FRIDAY!!! I didn't know that was a thing, and as much as i told myself i wasn't going to eat a lot, i enjoyed my damn ice cream. I pigged out. Haha.

After food we went back, and from my recollection we laid down and just relaxed. I think we started to watch movies and kept getting distracted. I DO remember, though, that it resulted in not finishing our movie night because we got into our first huge argument in weeks. It lasted hours. My anxiety was immense. I would love to explain this fight, but it is far too detailed and private. Well, not so much private, but extremely ridiculous. Long story short, i got jealous over some stupid bitch that is in his Personal Defense class because she has huge boobs, and decided to bring them up to Corey while they were doing their "moves." Apparently since they kept getting in the way. That convo furthered into discussion of his and i's sexual interests and whatnot regarding that. Not only that, but the week before they had to choke each other, and that turned in a personal sexual convo as well. HIGHLY inappropriate, so i was NOT a happy camper. I freaked internally, and only mildly externally. He took it well at first, but then we started talking about exes and feelings and all of these other things. It became so much that i lost it and expressed them to him, which only angered him. So we got into a pretty big argument..which led to silence. I couldn't take it, so i went into the bathroom and did something stupid, which he found out about shortly after. That only enraged him more so he started cursing and angrily moving things, not at me, but it still terrifies me due to abuse issues with my ex. So i freaked out even more. And we were just silent the rest of the night. Attempted homework and that didn't work so well, so eventually we just gave up and i wanted to sleep. Obviously i couldn't sleep. Emotionally i was wrecked, and physically as well due to the gym the night before. So i laid there, contemplating thought and anxiety. Of course he started rubbing my back to try to "calm down" and make things better, which only half works. But i ended up falling asleep around 5 i think. Tierney came back from going out around 2 or 3, and she was pretty gone, so we had to try to keep up appearances with her around. That also led me to wanting sleep. So sleep finally came..which led to waking up on Saturday..

Saturday was that start of new day, right? Except not really. We woke up around 2 or 3 and i thought maybe he would say something to me. Nothing. He got up and showered. That led me to believe the day would suck and he wasn't going to apologize. So when an offer to cover a 4 hour shift at work came up, i took it immediately. I covered a 430 to 8 shift to get away and make money. I told him, and he got pissed (what a shock). So he walked me to work though, like nothing was wrong. Kissed me goodbye. Blah blah. Texted me explaining why he got upset. Apparently he wanted to get up, shower, get food and talk things out. Although he said he was "completely over it..slept it off." Of course. He's a guy. They can do that. I can't. Which is what i told him. So he said we would have to postpone it until i got off work. Obviously. Anyway, work happened. And it SUCKED. I had to do reference work, stuff i was never trained in. I learned the library inside and out though. I had to walk around the entire library for an hour, checking every room, cleaning it, making sure everything was okay. It sucked, but at least it kept me occupied. Then i went back to the desk, did some reading, then watched Glee. I walked back to the dorm in the flurrying icky weather, and ended up running most of the way back because i just wanted to get inside. Now, the rest of the night i don't really recall details. I just know we talked it out, although as a guy he was completely neurotic and kept doing things to try to distract me. What else is new. But we did talk it out and established we need to work on it, and he convinced me it's normal to argue over stuff like that. If we didn't we wouldn't be normal. We ended up talking about our parents too, since his mom never seems to approve of me. Especially when we fight. In which case, she doesn't know i have BPD which isn't fair because she can't truly judge me then. Anyways, whatever. Things were resolved. I just hope he's right. I know i have issues. So i hope those issues are just clouding my judgment. But we finished the movies from our movie night and went to bed, i'm pretty sure.

Sunday was a very bland day. I was planning on going to do Zumba for Wellness, but it was in the Dance studio, so i said ef that in this cold. We went and got food i think and then did some homework for a few hours. We woke up super late again. I think around 3, so that didn't leave much day. But we did homework until The Walking Dead came on. Of courseee that's a dorm event. Me, Corey, Lisa, and Angelina decided to do our 2nd weekly Walking Dead Drinking Game. Basically whenever Carl speaks or his name is said, or Shane gets angry, or a walker is killed, you take a drink. Pretty amazing game. And it was a pretty good episode. After that happened, we chilled back in the room, and did more homework. Productive say right? I know. That's basically what the night consisted of, as per usual. We listened to music, did homework, and watched tv until about 2 or 3. Around 3 we attempted sleep, but something happened to my legs. Earlier yesterday i felt what i thought were shin splints. I mean, i hadn't worked out in months, so it made sense. But instead, when i laid down for bed, my legs started to feel like they were on fire. Like, the bones or muscles on the far inside really hurts. From my shins to my hips. So that caused me not to be able to sleep, only whimper a bit. I am currently laying down writing this and they still kill me. So this sucks. But what ended up happening, which turned out to be a great thing, although it was a very bad idea, was we stayed up until almost 6am. Talking. Just talking. Like a nice talk. We cuddled like hardcore, and kept being really cute. Instead of sleeping. So we ended up talking. He started. But we talked about everything, from our exes again (but better talk), to our own feelings, to our future. All of it being positive and happy. And the majority of it coming from him. It scares the shit out of me, but it also excites me. Even if it doesn't work out, it was good while it lasted. And if it somehow does, i have an amazing future to look forward to. Yeah, me. The girl who is so feminist and #foreveralone it isn't even funny. Yet i'm thinking about marriage and a family now. Say what? But it was a good talk. All i know is whether we stay together or not, i KNOW i can't lose him out of my life. I'd be lost without him. Yeah we bicker. But he is the most amazing person i have ever met. My best friend. And i truly believe soulmate. So let's see where this goes, shall we. We ended up falling asleep eventually though, and 4 hours later it was time to get up for Monday class.

Monday was full of class time, as always. I got up early, found out i got a 76 on my first Psych test (awesome -__-), then ate, and relaxed in my room. I assume i did work for a couple hours until Corey got back from class. We then attempted to nap, and failed as usual. We then went to our next class, where i found out i did better than the class average for my test in Science. Only good news. Although i still only got an 87. I then got food, went to my next 3 hour class, and walked back to my dorm at 930. It was super nice out that night. Like, extraordinarily nice out. And i wanted to try to be healthy, so although my legs were still in killer pain (still are), i decided to go for a run/jog/walk thing. I changed, and then Corey and i went for a half hour. I couldn't really run because i suck, and he could, because he doesn't. What else is new. But we got around half the loop and then cut through the apartments back to the dorm. We then chilled and did homework for a few hours. Tierney came back so we all did our work together. Around 2 we decided to illegally go shower...together. Oh risque..i know. But that was fun. Then we came back, relaxed, and went to bed.

Tuesday, yesterday, was quite long and semi productive. Corey had early class, but as usual i slept through it. However, i unfortunately had to wake up by 12 because i had to meet some girls who i thought i might have been rooming with in an apartment next semester. I found them in LiveJournal, and overall i got lucky. But my friend Ali happened to text me around the exact same time saying a spot in her roster opened up and i can move there. So although i didn't tell the two girls i met, i agreed to be with her. Plus, as semi nice and normal as they were, they wanted Alumni. Which i do not. Nice or not, too far. So after that meeting and food i came back to my room and got some homework done. I was super sore, still, but knew i had to go to White Plains to run errands. At 4ish Corey and i took the shuttle (which annoyingly had to stop and change drivers..?) to the second stop. We were almost going to go to the movies, but with how broke i was, it was a bad idea. So i went to Target, got my toiletries, got my step mom part of her birthday gift, and then randomly bought I Am Number Four because it was on sale for $10. Whatevs. Cheaper than the movies. We then walked to the mall and i got the rest of her gift, as well as a new pair of sneakers so i can run in something other than Vans (i got pink toe shoes (: ), and then got food. It was the second to last day of Februany. Soooo i got two foot longs from Subway since i had a gift card. I ate half of one, and then we caught the bus back.

When we got back we got settled in, and then went to Farside lounge for "cozy night." No one was really there...nerd status..but it didn't matter because UP was playing and there was free food. Double awesome. After that we came back and attempted a nap, which failed, again. So i got up and got ready for work. After making my hot chocolate and grabbing my stuff, Corey and i headed off to the library. While there i got to finish my book, Perfect by Ellen Hopkins (amazing by the way), and basically just did other homework and whatnot. Meanwhile, my coworker Ali wanted to amuse herself, so she made sculptures out of random library objects. It was quite comical. After work my night thoroughly sucked. Beyond explanation. I got on the phone with my mom about paying my housing deposit which i have to do, like, now due to wanting an apartment. Well, what i thought would be a 3 minute convo turned to a one hour and 7 minute convo. Until after 3am. We fought for a long time, about the most pointless things. And as usual, we continued in circles and circles. Long story short, she acts like a child the majority of the time and always causes me to feel angry. No matter what, it's always anger. And that's worse than my anxiety, because there's nothing i can do about it. Crying won't help, self harm won't help. When it finally goes away i get so beyond depressed i feel non existent..which is even worse. So after the convo i just stayed in the common room and played angry birds to try to calm down. Corey came out a half hour later to try to get me to go inside...fail. I was NOT moving. The mood i was in is undescribable. As much as i would like to attempt to explain in, that's more of my very personal side, so i won't get into it. But i just know i need help. Eventually, after freaking out and whatnot, i went into the bed...at 4:30am. After an hour of trying to sleep i finally managed to. Corey tried to help as best as he could...but there's only so much you can do when i'm like that.

I woke up hoping i was going to be out of the mood i was in that night. Super hoping because it even scared me. Luckily, aside from being super tired, when i woke up at 1:30 i was a bit better. Although, i looked out the window and it was awful out. I hate rain and wind and cold, and it was a mix of them all. I went to class, and after an hour of pointless nonsense and a 5 minute break, i left because i was just not in the mood. I came back to my room and tried to take my own notes, but really just wasn't in the mood. I did work for about an hour, and got nowhere except angry. So when Corey came back i tried some more, and just gave up. I was about to lay down when i realized i had to get ready for class at 630. Frustrated, i did that, and went to class. Luckily we got out early (thank you Prof. Gatti), and i met up with Corey and went to the library. I got the book i needed, printed out what i needed, and hurried back to my room in the freezing cold. Corey and i decided to get into a throwing match and threw things at each other for about 20 minutes, where eventually i started up on homework again. I stopped homework to watch Psych with Tierney..it's our show..i had to. I then started homework again, and here i am. Watching Swimfan with Corey and Tierney. About to watch I Am Number Four. Yes, i love movies. Time to finish up other homework and watch another movie! Night all.

4 Days of Boredom

Let's begin with Monday, shall we? I woke up for my amazing (except not) class. Left class, got food, came back and did homework from what i recall. I stayed awake until Corey came back at 2. I think i then might've continued homework, and then attempted a brief nap, with him right beside me as per usual. We woke up and headed to class. I think he was hungry, so he went to get food and i got to class on time. From what i remember, we weren't in good moods that day. So we weren't on exact speaking terms. After class i think we were possibly better...? Either way, i went and printed my homework for my next class out at the library. Then i headed to my next and last class for 3 hours. I left with no reponse from Corey if he wanted to get food, so i just walked back to the dorm. He came and let me in since he had my keys. I got inside and i think we all (Tierney, Corey, and i) all did homework and reading for several hours. Within this time, a damn fire drill occurred. I really hate them. 1030 pm..freezing cold..NO NEED FOR IT. Once back inside, we continued. And I might've watched part of Glee as well. But by 2 or 3am, and after tons of work and blasting Bo Burnham because of Tierney, it was sleep time.

Tuesday is a complete blur. I know i slept in. Corey had class. I think i woke up to get food, and then we came back and watched part of Paranormal Activity 3. Then, only a half hour in, I had to get up to meet my group for my Journalism project. We met at the Library for all of 20 minutes. I came back and did some homework while Corey napped. I think i ended up napping too. Somehow the day passed by, and it became time to go to work at 10pm. I got out of bed yet again, got ready for work, and headed to the library until 2am, like every Tuesday night. Once i got back to my dorm, Corey and i finished Paranormal Activity 3, and then went to sleep. Long, unproductive day.

Yesterday i didn't have to wake up until around 1, so i didn't. In fact, i slept til around 145 i think. Whoops. I got ready while Corey lounged around in bed. I headed to class, and he went for a run. My 3 hours class wound up being 1 hour and 10 minutes. It was great to be let out that early. Especially on that day because it was beautiful outside. I only wore a light sweater and jeans with a cami. I got out of class and i think Corey and i went to get food. We went back to the room and i either did homework, or napped, or a mix of both. Don't quite remember. But i got up, and went to my next class (ours) at 630. After class i was going to go to an LGBTQU meeting, but i had SO much homework and studying that i really couldn't. I went back to my room and studied for Science and Adolescent Psych for about 4 hours. Most of it was actually just filling out the study guides, hence the studying. It wasn't fun. See, i have always been a straight A student. High honors all through high school and whatnot. College courses. Etc. But somehow, i never really learned how to study. I never had to. Things just came. And if they didn't, oh well. Well, college is NOT like that. So i attempted to study last night. And get other work done. I guess i'll know by next week if that paid off. I then finished my Glee episode last night, and then tried to sleep. That didn't occur for another hour though, due to Corey being in pain so i couldn't sleep because i felt bad. Bleh.

Today. Today was almost as beautiful as yesterday outside. Aside from the wind. That shit has got to stop. I know it's February, and i'm being greedy. But if it's going to be nice out, i would appreciate a full niceness. No damn wind. Today was much like Monday, aside from my late class and being semi unproductive. I was quite productive today. I went to class, took my test, and left. I then met my friend Adam who is a senior at my old high school who came to audition for the Music Conservatory. He looked so spiffy in his suit. His mom was super nice too, as well as his accompanist and voice coach. He was a bit obnoxious, but nice. I showed them to the Hub since they wanted food and had time. I bought them coffe (i have a meal plan and i wanted to make a good impression, come on) and we stood and talked for a bit. Corey briefly swung by before heading to Personal Defense. Around 1230 i led them out and headed back to my dorm to study. It was nice seeing him. He can be a bit much sometimes, but i love that kid. So i got back to my dorm, ate some Spaghettio's (i know, amazing...it's been forever), and started studying. I studied for around two hours, with breaks inbetween of doing other work and watching tv with Tierney. At 2 Corey came back. Now, i already vented to Tumblr about this incident, since i needed expression, vulgarity, and far too much emotion. So let me just brief it by saying i was not pleased with his class today and his description of it. And i got super upset. Mini anxiety attack kind of upset. And it didn't go away for over an hour. I tried to keep studying..gave up. I tried to nap...fail. So i vented to Tumblr and watched tv until class started. We went to class, me being a bit more calm, and took the test. After class we went straight to the gym. I knew i wouldn't go if i went to my dorm first, so i already had my clothes on. We got there, undressed, and worked out. First time there this semester. Well, stupid Jessie didn't drink that much water today. So after going on the treadmill, elliptical, and some other weird cardio/thigh machine, i was feeling it. A little dizzy. At this point i had also stretched a lot, and done a bit of abs. After that i went to the machine room and worked on my thighs and whatnot. Did reps on about 6 different machines. After that Corey and i were going to do ab work because i desperately need it. Well, i went into the other room and felt like i was going to puke. I downed the rest of my water and still felt like shit. So we left and got food. After another half hour i finally started feeling better. I really hate being so out of shape. Especially when i date someone who is so in shape and a long distance runner. It's awful. Self-esteem issues to the max. I am now 132. He is 147..and 4 inches taller. That's a problem. My goal is 120 (ha i WISH). But if i can do 125 i will be semi content. Anyway, after the gym we had some time together, showered, and then got ready. And then i went to work, and here i am now. Sitting behind the Circulation Desk at the Library. Interesting, right? Oh i know. I WORK here. Trust me, i know. Time to get other work done!

Weekend

So i got home. Mind you, i didn't really want to be home. I only went because one, Corey was going. And two, i wanted my birthday present which was..dun dun dun..an iPhone 4s :) Hell yeah. Quite happy and i am now addicted. So much easier to get my social networking done. Haha. Better than my Droid. Stupid phone. Anyway, i did kind of want to go home to have a little bit of change. So i stayed at my house Friday night. Thinking my parents wanted me home. Instead they went into the hot tub and told me to invite a friend over. Awesome. So Corey came over that night (yeah..we can't spend a night without each other..whoops). We watched movies and played Xbox all night. Kicked ass in Gears. I really missed that game.

The next morning he left early to run errands with his mom. I got up at 11 to go get my iPhone with my step-mom, Lauren, in Kingston since i had to go visit my mom anyway. My dad came in, we got my nice new phone with a great Otter Box, and then went to the chinese buffet/sushi place nearby. I ate so much i'm shocked i didn't explode. So many good choices, plus a sushi bar. All you can eat. Nothing better. Then they left to go home and i went and visited my mom. It was actually a good visit for once. She gave me food and other stuff like movies that got shipped to the house. We didn't fight. It was nice. Aside from the fact she doesn't look too good and i wish she would go out and do something rather than worry about me. So, i left, and headed back to dad's. I got there at the same time as Aunt Geri and Uncle Scott. They gave me my grad and bday gift. Money and homemade amazing cookies. I absolutely love them. We then pigged out on a lot of great Italian food. Again, i almost exploded. We bonded, i had a few drinks, and then i went to Corey's. Wow that sounded bad. Rephrase: had drinks..ate..then several hours later went right down the road to Corey's (not so bad). I left around 10 and when i got there i remembered how freezing it was there. I went and said hi to Amber (who seemed to be doing much better). Then we went to his room and cuddled and watched movies. In which i fell asleep quite quickly.

The next morning i had to get up early because he had to go to his dad's. After a rude and angry phone call from my dad at 12 i went home. Him and Lauren were going to Rockland County and wanted to bring me back to school. I wasn't changed, or showered, or packed, or anything. So i was like, uh, no. Guess i'll pay for a bus. So they left and i went and met Frangelica to give her money i owed her. Then i went to get sushi with Danielle because i missed her already and i wanted sushi. We went to the new place in Highland, Asian Garden. Very good actually. Then i went and saw my grandma to see how she was. After that i went home, finished packing, and then my dad took me to the bus stop. I tried to talk to him about my new tattoo, but that didn't go too well so i just got on the bus and left. The bus was crowded as hell. And i had 5 bags. So it wasn't pleasant. I got back to White Plains a little after 8, waited in the cold until 838 for the shuttle, got back to the dorms right at 9pm, and immediately started watching The Walking Dead with Angelina and Lisa. Only difference was, we play The Walking Dead drinking game. It was great. Sadly, i already missed Corey. I was without him all day because he had to go to stupid Wingdale. So after the show i unpacked for an hour, did homework for a couple, and then went to bed..sad, cold, and alone. I got pretty crappy sleep. Stupid dreams. Then i woke up Monday morning and began my lovely 12 hour class day -__-

That will begin another blog. Voi la.

The Past Week...

Went by so fast, yet so much happened. Monday, my birthday, was absolutely boring for the most part. To begin with, it was on a Monday. What a terrible birthday. Plus, turning 19 isn't really the highlight of your life. Except i can now get into Webster Hall. But i woke up, went to class, got food, and then did homework. Then i took a nap until 4 and went to class again. Directly after i went to another class, for 3 hours. By the time i was back to my room, it was 10pm. 12 hour day of school on my birthday. Lovely. When i got back i was expecting to cuddle with Corey and watch movies. I was wrong. I got back to him making me something he had apparently been working on for 3 hours already, and it was for me and Valentine's Day/birthday. Well, i had two hours left of my birthday so i decided to relax and do homework and watch tv. I also didn't have class the next day, so i poured myself a few cocktails and chilled. Well, it turned 12am...so it was now Valentine's Day. And Corey was nowhere to be seen. I got upset, but whatever. I was going to give him his gifts but i figured i'd wait til tomorrow. I was super excited about whatever he was making. He decided to use my computer to figure out how to do it, though, so it was in my history and i knew what he was making. But i only knew the name, not what it looked like, because i didn't want to creep. So again, i was excited about my "origami rose." Around 2am, me being almost asleep, he walks in and slams the door. He looked exhausted and i was trying to be nice and cute because obviously he was in a bad mood. Nothing worked. He angrily said it didn't work..6 hours and he gave up..screw it. Then he went to bed. Granted, i hate Valentine's Day and i wasn't REALLY expecting anything, but a small part of me was because i'm a girl, and it's cliche but i wanted to feel special. He's creative, i know he could've come up with something else. But no. So i went to bed upset. He went to bed sick and exhausted.

After barely 4 hours of sleep he had to get up and go to class. I woke up as well, and didn't even get a goodbye kiss. He came back at 1030 to nap and again, i got nothing. Around 1 i woke up because i had things to do. I had off, but i had to go to a study abroad meeting, and then i had to go to an audition for MADE (haha i know). Afterwards we were supposed to go to the movies, but since he was in such a bad mood i told him don't worry about it. That made him more angry, so we ended up going around 3 anyway. The way there, we kind of talked things out and they got better. We got to the movies, brought our food and drinks in, and began watching The Woman in Black (great Valentine's movie, right?). Anyway, we kept making Harry Potter jokes throughout it and had a great, normal time. However, when we got up to leave, he was drunk, and i knew i had a personal problem. Skip ahead in the story...my problem got worse. By the time i got back to the dorms i was in hysterics, screaming and crying. I called the library to call out of work. Corey, still drunk, called my friend Kerry to ask if she could come pick me up. It was around 8 at this point. She got me, all 3 of us went to the ER, and then got stuck there for 3 hours. I was a wreck for about an hour before the meds i took kicked in. We were rudely treated, got put in the hallway, and ignored for the whole 3 hours. My culture took 2 hours to get results. Kerry, the great friend she is, left the waiting room and went and bought me a new purse since her and Corey broke mine. Corey, being a great boyfriend, sobered up and laid with me on the bed in the hallway trying to comfort me. At the end of everything, the physician told me she didn't want to give me antibiotics. I freaked on her because i knew i needed them. She she basically said it looked like i was getting sick, but not sick yet. And i explained i knew that, hence why i came in..to nip it in the bud. So she goes, well since you have a history of these infections i'll give you them. But you have to see a specialist (no, really?? like i haven't been trying to for months). Anyway, we went to the pharmacy, got my meds for the second time in barely a week, and came back. I pretty much passed out from exhaustion afterwards.

Now, Wednesday through Friday kind of went by in a blur. Wednesday i woke up exhausted. Went to back to back classes. After that i went to the LGBTQU meeting at 10. I had Corey come along. Then we went back to the room, and i don't recall anything except Thursday. I didn't want to go to class that morning, so while Tierney and Corey did, i stayed in bed. I woke up around 1 or 2 and did homework until class at 430. After class i came back and relaxed. Corey and i chilled and then took a nap. And then at 10 i went to work. Work was the same old 4 hours of computer, homework, and book shelving. Friday i woke up pretty early because Corey and i had to pack to leave and go home. I packed stuff i didn't need that i wanted to bring back and whatnot. Around 3 his mom picked us up. Semi strange car ride home but whatever. And then i arrived home! Okay, time for new blog.

Continuation

Hectic hectic hectic. That is what i have to say about my week. Well, i suppose i shall get right to the point and start off by contuining on Saturday night.

Corey and i woke up around 5:30. We got up and went to White Plains to run some errands. I don't quite recall what i had to get, but i know it was something of importance. We got back and Amber (his sister) and Bri (her friend) were there waiting for us. It was around 9 at this point. So we get changed and start to get ready to enjoy our bday weekend. Corey went and got food, and i started to make his card. Oh! Speaking of which. We went into White Plains so i could get some toiletries, and then i also got his Valentine's Day gifts and a poster board to make his birthday card. So when we got back, i spent an hour making it. Afterwards, we got ready some more. By 11, Amber was completely trashed. Well, earlier that day she told me a big secret. Something bad had happened to her, and she told me not to tell Corey. Which i did not. Since she was drunk, she decided to tell him though. As the clock truck 12 this happened. The start of a series of awful events. Long story short, lots of crying commenced. For hours. Anger from Corey. And crying. Crying hysterically from Amber. Josh and Sarah had arrived earlier as well, so we were all trying to help both of them. Nothing was working. So we decided, now at almost 1:30, to try and go out. We managed to find a party, but it got shut down 10 minutes in. Unfortunately, right after, Amber was too cold and upset. So she was crying more, and everyone decided to go back to the dorms.

Now, i am normally the first person to be there for a friend. Friends come first in my life, always. However, at this point in time, my anxiety was at an all time high. I was so beyond upset and furious that the second night of my birthday weekend was ruined. And not by Corey and i this time. Plus, jealousy got in the way. Since what happened may not have even happened and wasn't even that big of a deal, yet Corey spent all his time devoting to her. And i know i have no siblings, none the less a twin, but to me i feel/felt their relationship is just a little toooo close. So when everyone decided to go back, Corey expected me to go too. Butttt i said no. I didn't want to waste my outfit, none the less the fact i'm already out in the cold. Plus, she had him and 4 other people helping her. So i stayed out while they went back. Yes it was selfish. Yes it was very much not like me and my character. But i did what i needed to. And sadly, i had the most fun i had all night in the half hour i was alone. Or rather, with other people. I found my other friends, got to a party, had a good time. Even had a run-in with the cops. Granted, it didn't last long. But it was still fun. But all good things come to and end. Corey came, still plastered, to get me.

We got back to the dorm. He could tell i was pissed/upset, but i guess he also was at me. So we didn't speak for probably two hours. After chit chat with friends, talk about Valentine's Day, more of me crying and being upset, and almost everyone else falling asleep, i decided to go to sleep. I went to lay down, and Corey laid next to me. At this point he had sobered up, but i wouldn't even cuddle with him. No kiss, nothing. He asked why..and i knew he would be upset. Again, long story short. He kept begging so i eventually caved and told him. As i assumed, he got pissed. Especially when i brought up my kind of incestuous thoughts about the two of them. Whoops. He stormed out of the room. Came back. Repeat cycle. This went on about 3 times. Until he decided to finally stop, and start rubbing my back (really??). Apparently that calms him down. However, as great as it feels, it pisses me off at the same time. Because you rub my back, everything is supposed to be better? No no no. Anyway, he did that. And then i'm quite positive we talked things out until about 8am.

Things still didn't get resolved though because when we woke up, on his birthday, he got up and did stuff, whereas i just wanted to sleep. So at 11 he got up and went to Dhall with everyone, but me. Then hung out in Crossroads for a few hours with Amber and other people. All while i was in bed, being ignored. I decided to do homework instead of crying all day. He came back, still ignoring me, and did homework as well. Amber left in the afternoon, so we all said goodbye. Corey and i still didn't speak for another couple hours. Eventually, i don't remember how, everything got resolved. I gave him the card i made him, finally. In which he cried and apologized. I just hope he meant it. I apologized as well, since i was being a little selfish and mean. But i had good reasoning. At 12am that night he wished me a happy birthday. Me, knowing it would be a crappy one, still tried to stay positive. We ended up going to sleep semi early, seeing as i had a 12 hour day the next day. And well, since this is quite a long blog, i'm going to start a new one summarizing my week...

Cannot believe...

That i finally messed up. I know we were only supposed to post once a week. But i really wanted my every day goal to occur. But now that it hasn't, my new goal is to REALLY make it occur. Well, i want to brief what happened the last several days, but my memory is foggy. I guess going to class really doesn't help memory. Anywho, i left off when? Monday. Tuesday i had plans. Movies..etc. But i am a lazy bum. And since i had no class, i did not get up. Corey went to class and came back. We napped. Possibly had food. And then had to go to that ridiculous lecture series. Granted, i did enjoy the lecture for the most part. The speaker was great at what he does and it was interesting knowledge. But why we HAVE to attend and why i HAVE to write a paper on it is beyond me.

After that happened, we walked back in the freezing cold to the dorms. And then i spent some down time with Corey before i headed off to work at 10pm. I enjoyed my 4 hour shift at the library, got some work done, and walked home with Corey and Ali at 2am. We got back, and based on my normal routine, i assume i did a bit more homework, and then stayed up until around 4 watching True Blood (i'm halfway through season 3 finally!). Wednesday i had class at 2:30. I went to that, got out early, and then i'm assuming either got food, or took a nap. After that i went to our amazing class. Once class was over, i met up with Corey and got some work done. Then i went to an LGBTQU meeting at 10.

The meeting got over at around 11:30, at which time i headed to the library to meet Kerry and catch up on her life seeing as she's my best friend. Due to my stupid anxiety and jealousy issues, our talk turned into me having an attack. And being super upset at Corey all night. Because his cousin was over he proceeded to ignore me for 2 hours and avoided confrontation. All the while i was having an attack through headphones and homework. We wound up staying up that night until almost 6am. Got to see the sun partially rise. This is remember clearly. All due to discussing it and working it out like we always have to. I ended up shaking and crying after we went to bed, thank you anxiety, so obviously he figured out something was wrong. And as upset as he was at me for not telling him, and for the stupid reasons as to why i got upset, he still tried to comfort me and calm me down. So i talked to him about my fears and worries and that was that. Thursday was my mommy's bday. I sent her a package several days earlier so she got that. Glad i surprised her.

I had class that morning, came back, napped, and then had a doctor's check-up appointment. After that i went to class at 4:30. After class i was going to go workout, but as i have explained, i am a lazy bum, and it was cold. So i did some working out in my room. And then proceeded to go back to work at 10pm. Repeated the same cycle. Came back at 2am. And stayed up all night due to not having class Friday. However, i was supposed to work 12-5. Taking someone else's shift. So i got dressed and ready, only to find out there was a lack of communication. So someone took the shift already and i got ready for nothing. This frustrated me immensely, so i angrily went to the mailroom, got heavy packages from my mom, and carried them back to my room. After opening them and getting birthday stuff, i crawled into bed with Corey, and slept until around 5pm. Yes, lazy bums, i KNOW. I wasn't hungry, so him and Tierney got up to get food. They left, and i went to Starbucks to meet Kerry before she went to work. We had to catch up again. Now, Starbucks is far. And i was there for awhile.

By the time i got back, Corey and Tierney still weren't back. It really wasn't jealousy or concern setting in, but i wondered what was taking them so long. I asked him what took so long when they got back and got no answer. So i asked again and he yelled a very not funny joke about them having sex. It would be funny, if i could trust him and he didn't already mess up BIG TIME once. So i grabbed my laundry and stormed out of the suite to do it. I came back, and we did not speak more than 3 times to each other for over 4 hours. During which time he (kindly) switched my laundry over for me, my best friend Danielle arrived to visit, and i did homework. Also, when i went to get my laundry, he went to get his, so we ended up talking about it and having a huge bickering match. Which led to mucho anxiety for me and i had an attack. We got back upstairs, tried not to bring Danielle into it, but she knew something was wrong. So while he was ignoring me and playing videogames, i told her. Then her and i did homework and got ready to go out. I was pissed, so i was ready to have a good time. He said he wasn't going out. Didn't bother me much. I needed a girls night out.

Well, we ended up eventually talking about things, right as i was going out. Because he was deciding to maybe go out. Which led to me telling everyone else to go ahead without us. We'll be there soon. Two hours and waste of alcohol later, Corey and i are still in my room talking. Everyone comes back. It's 1am. We attempt to go out. And everything was shut down. Awesome. So then i just went to bed because i was so upset. The next day we slept until about 5:30...yeah..do not know why. Again, lazy bums. And then a LOT happened. Far too much to even begin right now. So i will leave that for tomorrow night..or possibly the next since tomorrow night (tonight) i'm celebrating my birthday. Ta ta for now!!!

Another two days, Another not much

I didn't purposely forget to blog again last night. I just really had no reason to. I planned on going to sleep rather soon after homework, but that lasted so long that i got a second wind, and was up until 5:30am anyway. Yesterday was Sunday. Bum day. Usually a day to sleep of a hangover, which i didn't have since i didn't go out. I slept late anyway since my roommate was hungover from the night before and slept in as well. After i blogged Saturday night, my night actually got interesting. I had to take care of a bunch of drunk people. Joy. Though it was fairly entertaining. Especially since they were the drunk people who don't think they're drunk...

But yesterday, not entertaining. I laid in bed. I watched tv. I watched True Blood. I attempted homework. I ate. I was such a hermit and accomplished basically nothing because i felt so crappy still. I wound up staying up with Corey and Tierney until around 3 because we were all doing homework. Then Tierney decided to go to sleep. Corey and i decided to watch True Blood because i was done reading. Enough homework for the night. But when we decided to try and sleep at 4:30, it failed. We stayed up talking until 5:30..about life..about us..etc. It's times like those that i love him. And i know we'll make it. It's times like daytime and sometimes at night we bicker and i get pissed off and it makes me upset and question things. I wish things were how they were last night/this morning all the time...when we're good, we're great.

Today..busy day. Mainly class. Class in the morning, i came back, finished homework, and attempted sleep. I wanted a nap. But that failed. My anxiety was super high and i couldn't stop thinking of negative things. So no sleep for me. That led to my next class, and after tha my next class. Which is 3 hours long. Great class..WAY TOO LONG. But other than that, nothing else occurred. I talked to some friends about transgender issues. Came back to my room. Worked on homework. And now may eat, watch something, and sleep. I am so exhausted. Hopefully tomorrow night will prove more interest.

Two days, Not much

So, i never blogged last night. Was going to...and then didn't. I don't quite recall why. But it doesn't matter much because much like today, it was majorly unproductive. Yesterday...i had no class. So aside from waking up at 8 from Corey waking up, i didn't wake up until 2pm. I guess trying to sleep my sickness away..? I honestly hate being this kind of sick. It's the worst in the entire world. I would rather have full blown Mono symptoms for another month than this. I hate it immensely. But yesterday, i woke up. The most productive thing i did was shower. I could barely get out of bed. I took my medication, hoping the feeling would go away. I didn't even go get food. I ate whatever was in the room. Basically, i spent the evening and night watching True Blood and movies, and hanging out with Corey and Tierney. With a bit of homework mixed in. We stayed up until around 3am, because despite my exhaustion, i could not fall asleep.

Today was much like yesterday. I woke up at 2pm again. I showered, and watched tv. I once again ate what i had in my room, and then decided to be semi-productive. I still didn't feel well, but with my numbing meds i knew i had to and could go to White Plains. Around 7 Corey and i headed there. I got almost all of what i needed to, including a birthday gift for my mom. We got food, and then proceeded to wait for the bus where my symptoms got worse again. I ended up almost crying in the mall because of the discomfort. I took more medication and after 45 minutes it started to help. The rest of my night consisted of absolutely nothing so far, except to watch my suitemates and friends get ready to go out, and then leave. Without me. Seeing as it would be a very bad idea if i go out. Luckily Corey stayed here with me. I guess it's time for more True Blood, possibly homework, and more rest. Ta ta blog world.

Oh my my my...

Today...boy today was a long day. Not including class. Really long. Really rough. Really awful. I woke up at 9...which is VERY unusual for me. Seeing as i would not normally wake up until at least 1pm. Except i had a class at 10:30 so my alarm was set for 9:45. However, i got barely any sleep all night, due to discomfort i assume. I woke up super early having to desperately go to the bathroom. And from there i realized there was something seriously wrong. I got dressed fast, said goodbye to Corey and Tierney (roommate), and booked it to health services. Long story short, i was in immense pain and discomfort for 3 hours. Between crying and shaking, it sucked. It is something i have gone through before numerous times, and i can by far say it is the worst thing i have ever gone through. Having this medical condition sucks worse than anything i know. So they took care of me, sent out prescriptions, and sent me on my merry way.

I went back to my dorm, having missed my first class, Adolescent Psych. Super upset about that. When i got back to my room i was exhausted, and still shaking. The numbing meds were kicking in on and off, but it still sucked hardcore. I tried to eat some salad and yogurt. I had no appetite at all. I laid down and tried to rest but i just couldn't fall asleep. After crying a bit more, Corey came back after class to see how i was. Miserable, of course. He went and got me cranberry juice and yogurt (amazing boyfriend, yes). Then he came back, we ate, cuddled, and tried to nap. I failed...so before class i went back to health services and picked up my medication. Which was an extremely difficult process due to lack of communication. And it should've been much simpler. But beggars can't be choosers i suppose. Then i went to our Science class, still being very exhausted. After class i planned on going to the gym, but there was no way in hell i could manage that. So i got food, ate, and attempted to nap again. Instead i watched more True Blood, talked with Corey, and napped for all of 15 minutes before i had to go to work.

Here is where it gets really interesting. I got there, still feeling terrible. Still being super sick and uncomfortable. But i immediately go on facebook and see a post on a girl's wall that i know from Corey. Shouldn't be a big deal, but me and my jealousy issues always screw normality up, so i freaked. I asked and he said she was in his defense class and they were partners. That's all. Of course my mind can't believe that, even though it should. But what happened before and during all of this REALLY put the icing on the cake. I saw that my ex douchebag asshole boyfriend was starting to talk to his ex that he left me for who is now a porn star again. I was extremely confused, and saw that him and his newest girlfriend broke up. I have known him since i was 3 years old, so no matter what he put me through, hospital or not, i will always be there for him. So i asked him what was going on. Basically telling me it was none of my business, i tried to be a good friend and explain my thoughts. To not do it. That he was better than that. Well, he flipped and told me to shut the fuck up several times. Before telling me to rot in hell and then he blocked me. This is nothing new. I'm used to this. However, apparently he ran and told the girl because she decided to call me several minutes later and harass and threaten me before i hung up. Now THAT pissed me off. My anxiety levels sky rocketed. I had a mini attack, again, and just was a mess. I took it out on Corey, who took it back out on me. It was a rough night at work to say the least. I mean, she is older than me, and a porn star. How immature do you have to be to still call someone and threaten them, especially someone who isn't even in your life. Clearly college material.... but i of course stooped to almost her level and made a facebook status about it. Which is why Corey got initially mad at me and we fought. Well, i guess he misunderstood what had happened..so he came to the library and apologized. And of course i couldn't give him full sympathy and love back as much as i wanted to because of my stupid anxiety and depression. Either way, i was glad he did it, but i was feeling like this.

I ended up finishing the first season of True Blood at work, and then he came and walked me home. I arrived in my suite to find my suitemates all intoxicated in some sort playing Twister. I found it hysterical, so i sat and talked with them. Then i came in my room, started my homework, and here i am. After 4am. My day was clearly not productive in a good sense, but it sure was far from boring. I am hoping more than anything that tomorrow is better, and my mood brightens. Night!

My Day - 2/1/12

Since i just gave an intro to what this blog is about, i suppose i should start by explaining today. I didn't go to sleep until around 3:30 am last night. This being due to many reasons, including insomnia, i worked until 2am at the library, homework, and both my boyfriend and roommate being up. I planned to wake up around 10 so i could shower and get things done before my 2:30 class, and still have time to eat, but of course that didn't work. I hit snooze twice on my alarm, and on my boyfriend's alarm, and fell back asleep for another hour. I also blame him since he was supposed to get up and refused to by saying to leave him alone.

Eventually i got up at 11:30 and showered. I was almost ready to leave when he woke up, and we went together. We walked all the way to the Admissions building to hand in my direct deposit slip for work study. Typically i HATE walking. I despise it. I'm quite lazy, and in the cold i'm even worse. However, today was extremely warm. Well, for the beginning of February. It was almost 60 degrees, so wearing jeans and a light jacket i happily enjoyed the walk. We then went to the library to print out and hand in my time sheet. And then continued to the mailroom to get my 3 packages and his one. We then got food and i headed to History of Journalism. Normally i don't wake up until 1 or so if i have a 2:30 class. I waste my morning and become very unproductive. Today though, i got 3 errands done and walked around a lot. Got the most exercise i got all week. And oddly enough, i was in a pretty happy mood. Which in this weather, and especially with my anxiety, is not usual for me. So i walked to class not dreading it like i usually do. Thank you weather. And we got out over and hour early. Thank you professor. I also learned that Sam Adams beer does not have him on the front, but instead it has Paul Revere. I personally think that isn't right, but at least i can say i learned something today.

After class i went back to my room and Corey (boyfriend) and i took all my recyclables over to the More Store and got $1.55 out of it. I must say, those machines are really freaking picky. It took over ten minutes to put two bags of bottles in. Then i came back and attempted to nap until our class started, but that failed pretty hard. So i ate quickly and headed to class. Obviously we all know what went on in class today so i don't have to elaborate on that. But here i am now. After class i got food, met up with a friend, and now i am currently sitting in my room with 3 others, while we all do homework. This has got to be one of the most productive days i've had in a long time. I'm exhausted, but it was definitely worth it. Time to finish homework and watch True Blood (yes i am catching up and obssessed...pathetic, i know).

First blog?

I guess i shall start my blog by explaining what i plan to blog about. It's very simple, yet very complex. Does that make sense? Not so much. I guess i should say that it's very widespread. I plan to blog about my life..personal yet not so vulgar or too detailed. I am interested in how productive or non-productive my life is whenever i'm not in class. Class is a part of every student's day, or week rather, seeing as i have off two out of five school days. What i do in class is part of that class and that business. That is why i am choosing to write a blog about the things i do in my day that don't consist of class. Of course i'm going to mention what class i went to, and possibly a brief about it. But i'm more interested in analyzing my daily life without class. Especially since i see it as boring and usually not so productive. Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe in writing this blog i will see patterns. I plan to discuss my emotions, events, activities, relations, etc. So let the blogging begin...